I wanted a secret life. I wanted everything to be just so. I wanted to be as precise as a word. I wanted an out if things got too problematic. I wanted to be reconditioned. I wanted to be sure I had not yet become a ghost. I wanted to be holy. I wanted to be forgiven for my sins. But most of all I wanted to get something out of this that was uncompromised, even if it was only me.
